Sweet sweet silence
by Bri Nara
Summary: Hidan lost his voice and everyone in Akatsuki tortures him for it.
1. Coughs

**Bri Nara Production**

_This is a random fic I decided to do because I got bored. I don't own anyone._

Kakuzu, Deidara, Tobi, Kisame, and Hidan were returning to the base from a long night. Hidan held in his hands a trophy that said "Winner of the sailor mouth contest." Kakuzu held in _his _hands the five-hundred dollar prize that went with the trophy.

"Sempai?!" Tobi yelled. "Can Tobi take out his earplugs now?!"

"Yes, Tobi, un! The contest is over already, un!"

Tobi pulled the earplugs out. "Tobi can't believe Hidan-san cussed for a solid hour."

"I can't believe you win _money _for cussing for a solid hour," Kakuzu said as he put the money in his truck-tire sized wallet.

"Ha...Ha...Kaku...zu..." the silver-haired immortal said in a groggy voice. "I told...you I could... make... money faster..." Then he started coughing.

"Whoa. Hidan, are you okay?" Kisame asked.

"I'm immortal...remember? I can't..." He coughed again. "...die."

"At least go to your room and get some sleep, un," Deidara said.

"Fine..." Hidan dragged himself off to the bedroom he and Kakuzu shared.

"Wow... Hidan-san really used up his voice," Tobi said as he walked off to his and Deidara's room.

"Yeah, but who knew his big mouth would be useful?" Kakuzu said as he ran off to hide his wallet.

**...**

Almost all the Akatsuki was in the kitchen eating breakfast. Kakuzu was in the best mood he ever had been. He was five-hundred dollars richer from last night; he found another fifteen in the morning (from Itachi's pocket); and Hidan wasn't up yet.

Then Hidan walked into into the kitchen in his usually grouchy mood before his cup of coffee. Then routine was the mood; cup of coffee; then his usual order at whoever was cooking that week, "Give me my damn eggs already". He sat at the table, gulped the coffee, but he couldn't order. Instead of his loud voice, a barely audible squeak came out of his mouth.

"What was that?" Itachi asked.

Hidan opened his mouth to ask the same question, but no sound came out.

"I think it was Hidan, un."

Everyone looked at Hidan, who had his hands clasped over his mouth.

"Hidan?"

He tried to say something, but the tiny squeak came out. Kakuzu grinned under his mask.

"What's wrong, Hidan? Cat got your tongue?" This earned him a death-glare.

"I say he's _speechless_," Zetsu said. **"Hear, hear."**

"What is there to hear, un?" Deidara asked sarcastically.

Hidan's face was turning really red, really fast. Almost everyone laughed.

Hidan got up from the table, went to his room and got a dry-erase board, and scribbled something onto it.

Kakuzu took it and read "If you don't shut the hell up about my f___ing voice, I'm gonna kill you." (Bri Nara censored)

"Someone has to go to the doctor," Deidara said evilly.

Hidan started silently crying as Deidara dragged him out the door by his ankle.

"Deidara! Wait! The doctor costs money!" Kakuzu yelled as he ran after them.

**Chapter 1 of my Hidan-bashing fanfic. =D**


	2. Flashbacks and youtube

_I shall continue this fanfic because I am a Shikamaru fangirl and Hidan must suffer. ^^ (Evil laugh) I don't own anyone._

"Hidan, relax. You're out of the hospital now," Kakuzu said as he, the blonde, and the mute immortal got into the "Akatsuki mobile."

"Yeah, it was better than last time, un."

**_Hidan and Deidara's last trip to the hospital..._**

_"Push the cart faster, un!" Deidara yelled as several more nurses tried to poke at Hidan with needles._

_"Back off, b____!" Hidan yelled as he pushed the cart carrying armless Deidara._

_"You just had to get yourself stabbed with a scalpel and live, un!"_

_"Is it my f___ing fault they want to see why I'm immortal and they won't convert to Jashinism?!"_

_"Hidan, look out for that window, un!!!"_

_They crashed out the third floor window with the cart right behind them, spectators gasped._

_"I JUST WANTED SOMEONE TO FIX MY ARMS, UN!" Deidara yelled as he landed face-first into a bush with Hidan._

_**End of Flashback.**_

"I don't have pay for legal damages this time."

Hidan glared at the two in the front seats. He was informed that he wasn't allowed to talk for a week, which meant he couldn't use his favorite words for a week.

"Are you still ticked off that you can't talk for a week?"

Hidan responded by shaking a fist at him.

"I take that as a yes, un."

As the got back to the Akatsuki base, everyone grinned at Hidan as if he weren't in on some joke. When he opened the door to his room, he found out. A big rock landed on his foot, and he would've started cussing his mouth off.

Tobi was right outside his door with a webcam recording the whole thing. When Hidan was done silently swearing, Tobi ran to his room and put the video on youtube.

Hidan noticed Tobi run over to his room, when he followed him, Hidan saw himself on computer screen silently yelling.

Tobi turned around to see Hidan glaring at him with a wave of killing intent.

Hidan scribbled on the dry-erase board. _"TOBI YOU ARE GONNA F___ING DIE!"_

Then Tobi started running around the base yelling, "Kakuzu-san! You're plan worked!"

**(Evil smile) I love this fanfic.**

**Review.  
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	3. Charades

_This chappie, based on something I saw on youtube._ _And it's perfect for this story. ^^ Enjoy..._

Hidan glared angrily at the entire Akatsuki sitting on the couch. Kakuzu and Leader were actually on the couch while everyone else sat in front of it and Konan and Zetsu stood behind it. Kakuzu was holding Hidan's dry-erase in his hand with a grin.

"Come on, Hidan. You're the only entertainment for tonight seeing that the TV broke," Kakuzu said smugly.

"I have to admit it, Kakuzu... Hidan losing his voice is the BEST thing that's ever happened..." Leader said. Hidan got madder.

"I know! It's so much more peaceful around here now that Hidan can't talk!" Kakuzu said brightly.

The Jashinist stuck up his middle finger.

"Hey, Leader, you hear something?"

"Nope."

_I hate them... _Hidan thought gloomily.

"Come on, Hidan, are you sure you don't want to play "charades"? You already mastered your favorite word." (You know that people. -_-)

"Tobi loves guessing games!" said the hyper masked man beside Itachi.

"Charades is stupid," said the emo Uchiha.

"This is gonna be funny, un!" Deidara said in an almost Tobi-ish way.

Hidan sighed and held up four fingers.

"YAY! Hidan-san is playing! Let Tobi guess!" Tobi said as he started trying to hop while sitting down. "Fingers? Worms? Sticks? Four? Is it four? I bet it's four! Is it four?!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TOBI, UN! FOUR FINGERS IN THE BEGINNING IS FOUR WORDS, UN! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT, UN!" Hidan and Tobi sweatdropped.

Hidan nodded and held up a finger.

"First word..." Kisame said.

Hidan pointed in their direction.

"A finger?" Tobi asked.

"Uncle Sam?"

"Pointing... at... "you"? "Us"... "we"...un." Deidara guessed.

"I think he's pointing at me," Kakuzu stated.

"Or the board," Leader suggested.

Hidan kept pointing in the same direction angrily.

"Me?" Kakuzu asked.

"The first word is "Kakuzu"?" Itachi asked.

"I'm going to the bathroom," said Konan.

Hidan nodded. _At least someone has a brain. _He held up two fingers.

"Second word..." Leader said boredly.

Hidan stood and thought for a second.

"Thinking!" Tobi shouted. Everyone sweatdropped.

Hidan, instead, held up three fingers.

"He's skipping to the third word."

"Maybe it was hard to act out, un."

Hidan held his hands together in a mini triangle-ish thingy.

"SHIKAMARU!" Kisame shouted. Everyone sweatdropped. (YAY! SHIKA-KUN! ^^)

_What the hell is a "Shikamaru"? Is that a type of deer food or something? _Hidan thought.

"Kisame... Hidan's still alive..." Itachi said dully. "He probably hasn't even met Shikamaru yet."

"What do you mean "still alive", un? He's immortal... DO YOU GUYS KNOW THE FUTURE OR SOMETHING, UN?!" Deidara asked.

Kisame held up a manga book. "Shut up, Deidara, we read the manga. Almost all Akatsuki members die, GET OVER IT."

"Yeah, you say that because you're one of the few of us that stays alive, Kisame," Itachi stated. The fish-man grinned. "Oh. Deidara. Read the manga on how you die. It's funny." Itachi almost smiled.

"Sempai goes BOOM!" Tobi said brightly. Deidara had a look that screamed _WHAT THE HELL, UN???!!!_

Hidan pointed at Deidara and started silently laughing.

"STOP LAUGHING, HIDAN, UN!!!" the angry blonde shouted.

"Don't laugh, Hidan. The way you go is even more hilarious." Itachi almost smiled again. (Yeah, tell him like it is, Itachi-san!)

"Hidan-san goes BOOM too!" Tobi said in a even brighter voice.

Hidan ignored him as he thought, _I can't wait to see how Kakuzu goes!_

"I don't think he believes you. But I hope he DOES die doing something stupid," Kakuzu said.

"ITACHI! KISAME! QUIT SPOILING THE MANGA!" Leader yelled.

"Not our fault you didn't read it," Kisame said.

"I don't have time to read silly books!"

"You had free time to go out shopping for earrings alone with Konan," Itachi said. (OOC-ish, much? O_O)

Hidan laughed harder and rolled onto the floor, silently laughing his head off.

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!"

**"Leader and Konan sitting in a tree..."** Zetsu started.

"SHUT UP!"

"I'm back from the bathroom," said Konan.

"Just get on with the stupid game already..." Leader said.

Hidan put his hands back together in a triangle.

"Shikamaru!" Konan shouted. Everyone sweatdropped.

_How come everyone keeps thinking this is f___ing deer food?!_ Hidan thought. (Mentally slaps Hidan upside the head.)

"Konan, Hidan hasn't read the manga," Leader said.

"So, what is that? A jutsu... or a stupid looking triangle?" Kakuzu asked.

Hidan held the triangle over his head.

"A!" Tobi yelled.

Hidan sighed. _FINALLY!_

"I'm hungry." Kisame said.

"Me too." Tobi agreed and they both left.

"Recap; first word: "Kakuzu", un. Third word: "A", un."

"Kakuzu... blank... a..." Itachi said. Then his eyes widened and his sick turned greenish.

"What's with the reaction? You guessed it?" Kakuzu asked.

"Yeah. And I know I'm right. I'm going to close my eyes so I don't have to see the last word."

Hidan grinned and held up four fingers.

"Final word, un."

He turned around and pulled his pants down.

Deidara covered up his right eye. "HIDAN! FOR GOD'S SAKE, PULL YOUR PANTS UP!"

"Oh yeah, _real _mature..." Kakuzu said.

"No wonder Itachi closed his eyes," said Leader.

"'Kakuzu is an a__.' I was right."

Then the black half of Zetsu started yelling. **"HIDAN! PULL YOUR PANTS UP OR I'LL CHOP YOUR A__ OFF, PUT IT IN A STEW AND MAKE YOU _EAT IT!!!_" **Hidan quickly pulled his pants back on.

"Okay, that's just gross," Kakuzu said.

"Kakuzu, _you _eat hearts," Itachi stated bluntly.

"That's different."

"Here's an idea," said Konan. "Never play charades when it's Hidan turn _ever _again."

"Agreed," almost everyone said.

**Everyone, this isn't mine. It belongs to Dana-chan. **

**(Username: aug325.**

**Show Title: The Hidan Show. ^^)  
**

**I'll tell you the link if you want.**

**Review!  
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	4. Oh crap

Hidan was wishing with every fiber of his being that he had his voice back already. Kakuzu was in his room, stealing anything that was of value. Kakuzu even stole Hidan's socks.

Hidan scribbled onto the dry-erase board "_What the hell do you think you're doing, Kakuzu?!"_

"You have to go to the doctor tomorrow, so I'm just gathering some money ahead of time." Hidan could feel the grin behind Kakuzu's mask. "If you have any objections, just say something."

Hidan opened his mouth to say something, but a barely audible squeak came out once again. _Damn, I wish I had my f___ing voice back already!_

"I hope you keep that voice. It's so much better than the other one that cusses me out ever second." Then Kakuzu picked up Hidan's scythe.

_Oh hell no! _Hidan ran over and tried to snatch the scythe, but Kakuzu put a hand on Hidan's head, thus stopping the running. Hidan started waving his fists around everywhere, not even getting close to Kakuzu's face.

"Even without this stupid thing, you're the slowest attacker on Akatsuki."

"...GIVE ME BACK MY SCYTHE OR I'LL RIP YOUR F___ING HEAD OFF!!!" Hidan's eyes widened as he heard his obnoxious loud voice again.

Kakuzu's eyes widened as well. "Crap... the plan must be over." Kakuzu's eyes got wider as he smacked a hand over his mouth.

"WHAT F___ING PLAN?!"

"Well, uh, everyone agreed that your cursing was annoying so we got Itachi to use a jutsu to suppress your voice.

It took Hidan about ten seconds to comprehend what happened. Then he snatched his scythe and ran out the door. "UCHIHAAA!"

"Run, Itachi, run!"

**Haha. It's such a pity Hidan got his voice back, I really liked the silence.**

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